Br-ken

so im considering this day 1 of whatever

i dont know how today is going to go for me. I should do pretty good at home and then i have to go to work at 5 and i hate going to work tired because then i stand at the check out and i get crankier more easily. So getting through work is questionable ... maybe ill just have some juice before i start and on my break to keep me from being cranky with the customers and then after work im going out with friends. I dont know where we are going yet ... probably no where big just to somebodies house and then back to my friends. Im actually kind of excited because i havent hung out with the girls since exams have been over so it will be good as long as im not tempted to binge and ruin today if i dont completly ruin it even before then. anyways

i keep telling myself over and over that and new day starts tomorrow
i cant understand why all these feelings of being inadequate keep coming back to me lately but i cant help the way that i feel and i feel that i need a new beginning. A new part of my life is coming up and i've just been feeling so much pressure lately to be doing the right thing (what that is i dont know). Ive never felt so confused ... i want control i want someone to understand me

today i was doing good until about 2:00 when i actually started eating and then it just went from there. My boyfriend came over today and we just hung out but it was so hard to not feel like i could talk to him about what was going on in my head ... i couldnt even make sense of it. I was fighting back tears all night, i think that the worst part is the loneliness that im feeling, i have no one to talk to ... i just want to have some control. I want to be thinner i want to be happier with myself.

- what nourishes me only destroys me -

My first LJ Blog .. well not a whole lot to say its kind of late and im kind of tired and i just binged and i now feel like shit so ... whohoo for me